Ode to a Mammogram

Let's start the new site with a bit of humour

For years and years they told me
Be careful of your breasts
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them
And give them monthly tests

I heeded all their warnings
Protected them by law
I guarded them most carefully
And always wore a bra

After many years of care
My doctor found a lump
She ordered up a mammogram
To look inside that bump

"Stand up close" she said to me
She got my boob in line
"And tell me if it ever hurts"
"Ah yes!" she said "that's fine"

She stepped upon a pedal
I'd not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down
My boob was in a vise!

My skin was pulled and really stretched
From underneath my chin
My poor boob was being squashed
To Swedish pancake thin

Excruciating pain I felt
Within this vise-like bit
Imprisoned in this vicious thing
My poor defenseless tit!

"A deep breath now" she said to me
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine
And woozy I am getting

"That was good," I heard her say
The room was slowly swaying...
"It's time now for the other one"
Have mercy I was praying

It squeezed me from the left and right
It squeezed me up and down
"I'll bet she's never had this done"
I muttered with a frown

If I had had no problem
I'd surely have one now
If there had been a cyst in there
It would have popped, "KER-POW!"

This test created by a man -
Of this, I have no doubt
I'd like to stick his balls in there
And see how they come out!